Uncomfortably Numb

LBCC Students of Color Dialogue and Reception With College President Greg Hamann

I was not mentally prepared for what I walked into at the LBCC Students of Color Dialogue and Reception on Tuesday, Jan. 12.

As a student of color, I felt honored to be chosen to share my story. I was expecting to hear different stories and I wanted to share how great my experience has been at LBCC.

Instantly I was told that I would be sitting in the front row. I felt put on the spot. I expected an intimate discussion with a few students and staff, including LBCC President Greg Hamann. The room was filled with people with notebooks surrounding us, observing, listening.

I felt like I was something to be analyzed.

There was a list of rules to make this a respectable conversation and safe environment for all. We were all told to introduce ourselves and why we were there. A mixture of Latino, African American and Middle Eastern students attended.

This discussion that was meant to help the college understand “how to make our success and completion a reality” quickly turned into a nightmare.

It was not a welcoming environment; the tension was extremely thick. I instantly felt overcome with anxiety and had to step out for air after 10 minutes. We were asked what we felt the first day walking on campus.

Due to the controversial topics discussed, names were left out of this article to respect attendees’ right to privacy.

"Lost, school wasn’t inviting. I wanted to feel like I was welcomed, instead I felt like an outsider. Women would see me and grab their purses and look afraid," said an older African American male student.

A Latino male shared his experience.

“People accept me, until I say that I’m Mexican," he said.

I was surprised to hear some of the things students experienced with teachers and staff.

“I had a teacher ask me if I had more help from teachers in high school. Like brown people aren’t articulate," said a Latino female student.

Another Latino student gave examples of racist remarks.

“You’re smart for being Hispanic,” he said. “I can’t hear your accent.”

We were asked what validation as students meant to us.

"The only time I feel like I’m here doing something is when I get my grades,” said an African American male student.

We were then asked if there was a situation where we didn’t feel validated.

"People are afraid, intimidated, it’s to the point I can feel it. I have to guard myself every day and I shouldn’t have to do that. Especially where I am learning. It's a great school, great place, but it needs some changes. People need to grow up," said an older African American male student.

“All the white people stand around and talk about students of color,” said another student.

"I was told by a teacher I was not expected to score high on a writing paper. I just internalize it and work harder," said a Latino female student.

"When I spoke with my advisor about a major, the first thing she asked me is how many classes did I fail. I just internalized it," said a student.

We were asked if a racist situation were to happen, how confident were we that LBCC has the resources to change that. Unfortunately, no one felt confident, or even knew where they could go.

"Sometimes as an institution we expect you to accommodate us, so can you speak a little more on that," said Hamann.

"It’s a little uncomfortable to constantly be patient. How much more patient can we be. As a student paying to be here, I don’t expect to have to be patient. I expect you to catch up to me. I don’t appreciate being told I need to dumb myself down," said an African American male student.

We were then asked what advice we would give to LBCC to make this a more diverse campus.

Some suggestions were: sensitivity studies, make it more welcoming for older students, more available to undocumented students, and requiring an ethnic studies class for staff.

With everything that was being discussed, I felt bad sharing that I had been very grateful for my experience on campus. I just moved to Oregon last year from Long Beach, Calif. So far I have been meeting great people, had amazing teachers and had plenty of help from counselors.

I put myself out there to gain more from my college experience and joined the Poetry Club and have even gotten the opportunity to be the poetry editor for the school paper, The Commuter.

I can honestly say that these two groups of people and all of the help I've received so far has made me feel a lot more accepted and confident about my future.

I didn’t want to take away from any of the hurt others had experienced and shared, but I wanted to say that it isn’t all bad.

But after I shared what I had to say I didn’t feel any better. Knowing that others feel so alienated, I was hurting inside.

I went home traumatized.

I came to campus and walked with my head down, thinking about all the things I heard.

"What stuck to me the most is feeling as dominant, making people feel they need to be patient. We all bring a reality to our experience, I want to believe it's not about right or wrong," said Hamann.

I would advise any future organizers of Students of Color Dialogues to think about the setup.

Make the students feel welcomed, not put on the spot. Keep it an open conversation; everyone there should be listening and engaging. Let students know ahead of time what to expect and stick with that.

I wasn’t sure how I was supposed feel walking away from that discussion, but I knew that it was not a feeling of accomplishment or security. I was reminded that I am an outsider. I was reminded that as much as I want to believe we are all one and in it together, we still have a long way to go.

At a glance:
- Fireside room CC 211
- January 12., 2-4 pm
- LBCC Students of Color Dialogue and Reception With College President Greg Hamman